The Departure Lounge: The Guilt Factor

Lately I've been a nervous wreck. Losing sleep. Addled brain. Distracted. 

I'm feeling guilty. 

Guilty about leaving my amazing sister and her adorable, growing family. Guilty about even thinking about spending the amount of money I know this move abroad will cost. Guilty about leaving an amazing job when so many are out of work. Guilty about doing something so inherently selfish, and finally, Guilty that perhaps this path might not be in line with the principles and religious values that I've been taught, and hold dear, ie: Marriage, family, etc.

The guilt makes me question - is this really the right path for me? Can I really do this? Should I do this?

In my pondering/sorting out my emotions and priorities process,I had a couple of great conversations, one with my sister and one with Mary of My Life in Scotland. These girls really help me sort out my head when it's swimming and I adore them. Sister reminded me about all of my reasons for going, more than that, she reminded me that this is who I am, I'm a traveler, an explorer and doing this will enable some of my long-term goals. Mary made a great point, she said that some of the happiest, most successful people have all given up something or taken a big risk at one point to get to where they are now. 

On the religion/marriage/family thing: I'm Mormon. I was raised Mormon. After much soul searching, comparison and exploration, I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is not only the religion for me, I know it's true. Most people think of people with huge families when they think of Mormons. That's because we value the family. The idea that we should "Marry and replentish the earth" is kind of drilled into our heads from birth. So I went through childhood assuming I would get married and have a bunch of kids by the time I was in my mid to late twenties. My twenties happened, and so did working on Cruise Ships, attending University (or four) and accepting a Corporate job. And now I'm in my thirties. And the marriage and family thing still hasn't happened. There simply hasn't been a viable option for me, for that kind of path. And in a religion that believes in ETERNAL Marriage, and being of the opinion that divorce doesn't solve problems, it only breaks people, I really, really have no intention of marrying just to get married.

So I'm Mormon. I'm single. I'm thirty-two. And when push comes to shove, there's nothing wrong with that. It would be wrong for me to live a cloistered, depressed life thinking of what I don't have, rather than living a life full of what I can do. 

In thinking through the guilt and the emotional nagging, really, the question becomes, can I not do this? 
Could I live with myself if I didn't? 
Would I be satisfied spending the money on purchasing a home rather than the opportunity of a lifetime?

It's scary doing big things. But we can't let fear paralyze us, or hold us back.

Now I realize that these feelings of guilt and self-doubt are nothing more than the adversary trying to tear me down and prevent me doing what I need to do, and going in the direction I know I need to go in.

A leader in my church said this, and it's really spoken peace and relief to my soul: ‎"Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

To be honest, I'd be worried about myself and my motives if I weren't going through this guilt trip, it's a natural part of the emotional/mental preparation process, I guess.

Photo from here

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Mary, of My Life in Scotland is all too familiar with the guilt factor. An American Expat living in Scotland, she's had her fill of ups and downs, she said:. "When choosing a path to live your life that is different from everyone you know there is going to be some guilt. Whether others make you feel it or you're worried about leaving friends and family it will probably be there even if just a little bit." 

To read more about Mary's experiences with travel, guilt, living in Scotland, etc, check out her blog, My Life in Scotland.

Questions about preparing for ex-patriotism? Leave a comment for Christy!