Rodents

I have a problem.

I like to garden. It's in my roots.

You know this.

You know this despite the fact that I never posted any photos from this year's garden: ie, the "before/newly planted/thriving" photos that I've done for the past couple of years.

Well I planted a garden this year despite ignoring the photos. (i did take the photos, mind you.)

This year I added a whole extra terrace to my garden. It has been my master plan all along to spread out the garden year by year. Well. I did it. And then I planned it all wrong and didn't buy enough plants for my expanded space. I should have bought double the amount of tomato plants. Maybe triple. Then I could have canned them all later, like a real farm girl. (uh, i might not have canned them...i might have just given them away... jury's out.) Well, that was the start of the mayhem. Too much space, not enough plants. Whatever. I wasn't really bothered by it. So along I went, feeding, watering, weeding my garden. March, April, May, several setbacks with deer eating all the tallish stalks off the tomato plants... June... more deer problems...

Despite the pesky deer, in June, I ought to have started getting some Tomatoes. And Squash. And Zucchini. (since i planted those too.)

Except the weather decided not to cooperate and gave us an extended winter with bouts of sunshine thrown in to tease us. July... I finally spied one ripe little tomato and several ripening ones! Yippee! A few days later I went to pick the tomatoes that surely should have been ready for a-pickin'... BUT THEY WERE GONE. Not only were the ripe ones gone, but also any quasi-ripe ones, and several just-plain-green ones.

My blood ran cold in my veins as I glowered at the barren spots on my carefully tended garden. BLARGH! Then I saw the discarded fruits strewn across my yard with only nibbles taken out of them...

The bastard Racoons were back! I'd been hearing them in my fig tree for weeks, but hadn't thought they'd go for the tomatoes, after all they'd mostly left them alone last summer. I was wrong.

Those little Rat Finks have cleaned me out this summer. Every time a tomato begins to grow to decent size, they get snatched! I've tried the repellant sprays. (In fact, tonight I got a new one that's like pepper spray for rodents. I sprayed it all around the plants and hopefully it keeps them away!!!)

The point of this story is this:

1. I don't have any bloody tomatoes this summer despite my best efforts.

2. I hate Racoons. HATE. Loathe. They are disgusting vermin. They're smart and will get even with you if you try to scare them away. Trust me. I now understand why Farmers shoot them. If I had a shotgun, I would shoot them dead and dump their bodies in a dumpster. (Too bad it's illegal in CA to shoot them... freaking hippies!)

3. UGH!

Creepy Like Unto a Clown

I have a fig tree in my back yard. I have long wanted the fig tree cut down to a much smaller size. This thing is out of control. And with this year's unseasonably wet spring season, there are about ten billion figs on my fig tree. That's about nine billion more than normal.

Normally birds eat up all of the figs and I never get any (which is fine by me because the only way I really like figs is in the newtons... and even then I like the raspberry flavored newtons. So figs are fairly useless to me all around.)

But the birds get an epic fail this season on their fig-eating-ability report card.

So now, with an abundance of pesky fruit in my overgrown tree, which I can reach out and grab from my bedroom window, a new fruit-predator has deigned to enter my backyard and partake of the fruitage.

Racoons.

Really.

I prefer the birds.

The racoons are loud, and disease-ridden (I'm convinced) and creepily cute with their flashy little eyes and paws and bushy tails.

And they make big noises while I'm lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep and they scurry all around my fig tree, breaking branches and chattering.

So I opened my window wide (not before taking a moment to wonder if they would come flying into my bedroom like furry ninjas) and yelled at them.


"HEY! You jerks!! Get outta my tree!"

And they turned their furry little masked faces and stared at me and shined their eyes like flashlights.

So I got out my headlamp and shined it at them.

And then I froze.

Because.

There.

Was.

An.

Albino Racoon.

For real.

And It was the creepiest of all creepy things creeping in my tree last night. I'm pretty sure.

And I yelled again and took pictures with my camera, the flash causing a mass-exodus from the fig tree of FIVE racoons (including whitey-ford, the albino racoon).

And they all ran into my tomato garden.

Fail.