Travel Trophies & The Brain Box

Traveling often-times brings out qualities in people that are less than desirable, including crazed kleptomania and, in cruise-industry terms: an over-use of the Brain box.

Never heard of the Brain Box? (Feigns surprise!) Well then, let me clue you in. The Brain Box is the imaginary receptacle kept by the gangway of all cruise ships. When passengers board the ship, unbeknownst to them, they place their brains in the box (along with their good sense and capabilities for reason and rationality). Use of the brain box invariably leads to questions like these being asked:

1. What time is the midnight buffet?

2. Does the ship generate its own electricity?

3. Do these stairs go up or down?

4. How do I work the microwave in my stateroom? (Its a safe!)

5. Does this elevator take me to the back of the ship?

6. Do the crew sleep on board? (To which we reply: No madam, helicopters come each night, pick us up and take us to the nearest Howard Johnson)

7. Will we see dolphins in the morning? (I'll just call them up and make an appointment...)

8. Can we look at the anchor? (When anchored!)

9. What will the weather be like next Wednesday? (Erm - how long is a piece of string?!)

10. Can you move the lifeboat from our stateroom window?!

11. Has this ship ever sunk before? (Hmm!)

12. Is the water in the toilet salt water or fresh water?

13. Which part of England are you from?..Australia??

14. Ahh - you're from Melbourne...do you know David Smith?!!

15. Why does the ship not have cable?

16. (On formal night at Captain's Cocktail) Who's driving the boat?

17.  Why are we not docked (urhhh... because there's no pier??!!!)

18.  I'm claustrophobic... is there any chance of an upgrade?

19.  Do the lifeboats really float?

20.  Why am I standing in this line?? (Well I don't know buddy, why ARE you standing in this line??)

21.  (On a Cruise to Nowhere -- meaning there are only sea days on the cruise before returning to home port) When are we docking at the first port?? (Did you REALLY book this cruise yourself)??

22. What do I do with my life jacket after boat drill??

23. Does this elevator go to deck 4?

24. Do these stairs go up?

25. Why isn't everything in the shops reduced on the last day of the cruise?

26. The orange pillows on my bed are so hard, can we get softer ones? ( Ma'am, that will be your lifejacket )

27. Are we going to be sailing over or under the bridge today?


Have you asked one of those gems of a question? If so, don't feel bad. People who travel are out of their element; it's uncomfortable, foreign and awkward to travel. Stupid questions are bound to be asked and answered (and then probably laughed at and written down by those who overhear them). But now that you're back in your element, aren't they entertaining? I think so.

But I digress. Onward to the travel trophies.

Some people steal soap. Others, shower caps. Room keys, shampoos, toiletry dishes, toilet paper and towels. Bathrobes and umbrellas.

I've collected some interesting trophies over the years. When I began working in the travel industry I wanted to buy one of everything! A conch shell from the Bahamas, A hammock from Cozumel, Jewelry in St. Thomas. Electronics in St. Maarten, Island clothing from all over. Russian nesting dolls, hand-knotted rugs, Union Jack paraphernalia from London, a mini Eiffel tower from Paris, Swedish wool sweaters, A viking hat from Norway. You get the picture? Every place, a new salesman pitching the same piece of junk! (Well it's not all junk... just most of it!) I quickly resolved that if I wanted to save up any money and be able to take anything home at all, I could not purchase any souvenir bigger than a paperweight. So I have tiny Russian nesting dolls, a mini crystal Faberge egg, an eetsy bitsy little Mayan pyramid from Mexico (although I did buy a hammock chair too).

While I worked for Holland America Line I collected ship sh#t. (That's what it's "lovingly" called by the staff). I have a "Dam Ships" hat. I have a picture frame. I have a "dam" mug from each ship I sailed with them. The first letter of the ship on one side of the mug and "Dam" on the other side (All of the dam humor comes from the names of the dam ships - they're named after cities in Holland, all ending in "dam." Maasdam, Ryndam, Veendam, Zaandam, Volendam, Zuiderdam. I really, really wanted a "dam rain" umbrella, but never managed to snag one (they were zealously guarded amenities for suite passengers) before I switched to Princess Line.

From HAL's private island, Half Moon Cay, I have weather-worn, sea-tossed, salt-crusted shell. From a cigar store on St. Maarten, a Cuban Cigar box. In the cigar box are a pair of yellow sunglasses from an old love. A blue bottle covered in hand-crafted clay from Costa Rica. I have every crew ID from my old contracts.

But after a couple of summers of working in travel, buying tourist trap stuff lost interest for me. Now all I really keep are sand and shells from my favorite beaches - which I put in vases with and make:

And my photographs. The Colosseum in Rome, The Statue of Liberty in New York. The Louvre in Paris and the ocean in Barbados. A Viking ship in Norway, a red banana in Venezuela, the Russian Ballet and the Dodge's palace in Venice.  The walls of my house are covered in photographs and my closets contain stacks of others. Each photograph is a memory, a person, a jump back to a place and time, a treasure.

What are your travel trophies?